I thought it was him but it was me….
March 1, 2010
Dear yummy like an eggnog latte friend,
I thought it was him but it was me…
OK. I’m dating this new man. I was feeling
very crunchy, pissed off by his lack of
being impeccably present, grounded
or thinking positively. Grrrrr….
I was going through my normal reasoning
of why this one won’t work either. I was
NOT doing my feminine practices, not
feeling my feelings, not telling the truth
with kindness and honesty… I was pushing
him away and being a bitch, CONVINCED it
was him.
Then, bless him, he suggested we go for a
vigorous hike to get the juices flowing,
energy moving. I could feel the anger in me
welling up, all prickly from the inside out,
wanting to SCREAM!
We got back to my place and began to talk.
I could feel under the anger was a huge
welling up of tears and I took a breath
and decided to show him my fears. I told
him to please only say ‘Thank you’ to
everything I said, just hear me please.
Then I sobbed and sobbed about how scared
I was to let a man support me, hold me,
care for me, protect me, be there for me,
let me rest and finally truly completely
exhale. I shared that I was so terrified
to open and risk being let down, risk being
taken advantage of, risk being used or
abandoned.
All this sorrow from my childhood came up
and I could see that all my exhaustion has
come from keeping it together and doing
it all myself. This wasn’t just with men,
this was with God. I was even afraid that
God would ultimately forget about me.
What was beautiful was that he just GOT me.
He followed my request to just say thank you.
When I was ready I let him hold me. It was
not him. It was me. The sweet little scared
girl inside me was trying to protect me from
getting hurt. By honoring her fears, feeling
those fears, sharing those fears, the little
girl felt heard and validated and now the big
Allana could see clearly from a place of deep
wisdom and gentle strength.
Then I made us an egg breakfast bagel for dinner,
we went to Charu’s Puja (a first for him. He was
nervous then told me it was the most beautiful
couple’s practice he’d ever done) and now he’s
taking me to Willie Nelson tomorrow. (I know,
don’t tell anyone. I love country).
Thank you for listening to my journey. I want
you to know that while I’m a kick ass coach,
I am humbled by my humanity and hope my
experiences can expand you and kiss the
place inside where you are scared.
From my heart to yours,
Be Sexy. Be Whole. Be YOU.
Deliciously yours, Allana
